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things up to other
people, they will make other decisions, and things may
not turn out the way you wanted them. On the other hand,
if it doesn't matter to you whether the reception tables
are decorated with apples or gourds, wouldn't it be
better to let someone else decide and to focus instead
on what matters to you? Sometimes offers come with strings attached. Mom
offers to pay for your gown, but only if she gets final
approval on it, or only if you wear white, or only if
your sister can be your Maid of Honor. If you can live
with the strings, accept the offer, and if you can't,
make a counter offer. Like much of life, nothing comes
for free.
Other times, people just want to make you happy
because it makes them happy. If your future
father-in-law wants to pay for a horse and carriage
instead of giving you a rotisserie, and you'd love to
ride away in a horse and carriage, don't stand on stupid
pride. Take the gift and throw him a rose and a kiss as
you drive away. If friends offer to decorate or clean up
after the reception, fall down on your knees and kiss
their feet: they have just saved you hundreds of
dollars. (And make sure there are a couple of bottles of
wine left over for the workers). If you're marrying into
a family that always makes its own food for receptions,
you are truly blessed.
Put people to work (especially the guys) helping with the wedding to dos.
Sometimes, people would be glad to help if they knew you
needed it. The old saying goes that many hands make
light work, and the early settlers knew the truth of it.
Need to build a house or raise a barn? The neighbors
came to help, and then everyone sat down to dinner. You
need a couple of hundred wedding favors? Ask your bridal
shower guests to help you make them.
Fathers and older brothers are some of the most
under-utilized members of the wedding party, and it's a
real shame because they wind up feeling left out. Ask
your dad to fetch and carry; get his ideas on things
like how to guy a wedding canopy so the wind won't take
it down. Recognize that he's more than a checkbook—he's
a skilled handyman, a cunning advocate, and a guy who's
been around. Give him "manly" tasks—driving, picking
things up, lifting heavy objects, taking care of things.
Including a dad or older male relative in the mechanics
of a wedding puts him right in the thick of things
without making him a party to discussions of organza vs.
lace.
There is such a thing as asking too much of people,
so you do have to be careful not to step on anyone's
toes. But even a younger sibling can help sew beads on
the hem of your skirt, can decorate cupcakes with icing
for the reception, or help you pack for the honeymoon.
In fact, the more they help, the slighter the chances of
sabotage from jealous and unacknowledged siblings.
Let go of certain bridal tasks and avoid becoming a "Bridezilla"
The reason you decide from the start what maters
most to you and what you can live without is so that you
can drop parts of the wedding process that don't hold
meaning and put your emotional and financial resources
into the parts that do. There will also be things that
fall in the middle. You may feel really strongly about
having the perfect dress, but not care much about what
constitutes the dinner. Great! Turn the dinner over to
someone who does care, and walk away. Let go of
the idea that you need to control the entire wedding,
and you will be a much happier bride. Let your groom
choose his tux style ( but check with him on colors:
many men lose sight of the objective and will turn up in
the blue ruffled prom shirt if they aren't closely
supervised). Let the reception take place in your
in-law's back yard, in the church hall, or at the beach.
Do what matters and let the rest go.
Letting go is difficult. It's your day more than
anyone else's, and it would be nice to have a perfect
scenario. The fairy tale aspect of the wedding pervade
magazines and movies, and it's easy to fall into the
trap of believing that perfection is achievable—if you
just try hard enough. On the other hand, wedding stories
that span the decades contain minor and major mishaps
that make them memorable. Fainting bridesmaids,
forgetful clergy, unexpected rainstorms and the guy who
fell into the cake are the stuff of which family stories
are made of, lasting for generations. So if you can
cultivate a sense of wonder and humor, most minor
catastrophes are overcome by your good nature.
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